At some point in life, we’re going to wrestle with a question: Who am I? It’s a question that reflects the complexities of our experiences, beliefs, and aspirations. Self-discovery isn’t just about finding answers; it’s about embracing the journey of questioning, exploring, and evolving into the fullest expression of ourselves.

After my last serious relationship ended, I found myself at a crossroads of a sort. I felt alienated, that I was no longer myself and that I had no idea about who I was any more. I had shaped myself entirely within the confines of a relationship and shaped a new identity that no longer felt authentic without existing within this context. I had to make a choice: continue being the person I had become, or try to find out who I truly am.

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Embracing the Unravelling

Self-discovery isn’t a linear path; it’s one filled with twists and turns, highs and lows. It’s about peeling back the layers of conditioning and expectation to uncover the raw, unfiltered essence of who we truly are. Sometimes, this process can feel unsettling, as we confront aspects of ourselves we may have long ignored or suppressed. Yet, it is in this unravelling that we find liberation: the freedom to embrace our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and contradictions as integral parts of our humanity.

The painful moulting of my identity was a necessary part of the process. Was I truly the person I had become? I didn’t think so. It took a while for me to pursue different avenues to discover who I was. For so long, I had become entirely defined by my relationship and by my career, and now that the former had been shed I was certain I didn’t want my job to be my only defining feature. I had to reflect, to explore and affirm what it was that would allow me to relearn – and unlearn – who I was.

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The Courage to Question

Questioning who we are takes courage. It means challenging the narratives that society, family, and even we ourselves have constructed about our identities. It means daring to explore the what makes us tick in favour of confronting the discomfort of uncertainty and ambiguity, knowing that true growth lies on the other side of our comfort zones.

I feel that we spend so much time being taught how we should be, how we should identify ourselves and how we should present ourselves to the world. I had been so consumed by a career, by being in a successful relationship, that I never really stopped to consider who I was underneath it all. Did I really want to be defined by who I was linked to romantically? Did I really want all I was recognised for to be my career? Were these really the only things that made me worthy of recognition? Were these really the only things that I should be known for or celebrated for?

I had, I realised, become stuck in a rut. I had accepted the norms presented to me and tried to follow them, to embrace them, to engage with them and allow them to shape the life I had built for myself. But where did it get me? Overworked, exhausted and now alone. This wasn’t who I wanted to be; I don’t think it was ever who I really wanted to be. But I had found myself drowning in the expectations that had been placed upon me. I could either claw my way back to meeting these expectations, or find a path that would make me happier; a path that would allow me to embrace my true self. But in order to find that path, I would have to engage with some true self-reflection. I had no idea who I was – I’m not even sure I do now.

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Listening to the Inner Voice

More than just the voice in your head, listening to your inner voice can help explore these ideas. There’s a knack to it, and I’m sure it takes a lifetime to master, but there’s direction to be found in the quiet moments of introspection, urging us to pay attention to our intuition, desires, and values.

I started going to events on my own and rediscovering interests I had before I became a “professional”. Something was beckoning to me, and perhaps it was a form of regression, of wanting to remove myself from responsibilities and engage whole-heartedly with the nostalgia of my 20s. Something was telling me to embrace the absurdity of my situation and to forge a life for myself by revisiting the things that had made me happy in the past.

This something – perhaps my subconscious mind – has led me towards a number of new passions. It has allowed me to embrace my creativity, to experience moments of pure joy and to forge friendships outside of romantic relationships.

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Embracing the Journey

Self-discovery isn’t a destination; it’s a lifelong journey. An ongoing process of growth, reflection, and transformation. Along the way, we may encounter moments of doubt, confusion, and resistance. Yet, it is precisely in these moments that we have the opportunity to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

I don’t think there truly is an answer to the age-old question of “Who am I?”, but I am ready to fully engage with the process of discovery and to boldly venture where I have never been before. No longer am I defined as someone’s girlfriend or by my burgeoning career; instead I am recognised for my hobbies and passions, for the way I have made people feel and for sharing my interests. No longer am I mindlessly swiping through dating apps hoping for some human connection; instead I am exploring events and speaking to real people. No longer am I working into the depths of night and wondering why I’m exhausted all the time – I’m still exhausted all the time, of course – but I’ve struck a balance that allows me to be defined outside of my career.

I’ve started to define myself by my interests and what makes me happy. I’ve gone from a reclusive NPC not entirely in control of my own destiny to a slightly impulsive nature-lover. I’ve gone from existing in the confines of expectations to expressing myself through dance, photography, writing and painting. I’ve gone from isolation to embracing the power of human connection. I’ve gone from being full of self-doubt to embracing the absurdity of the human condition and finding confidence and authenticity to my own desires.

It hasn’t always been an easy process, but it’s been worth every discomfort to find new avenues to defining who I am.

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Conclusion: Embrace the Unknown

As we journey through the terrain of self-discovery and question who we are, let us embrace the unknown with open hearts and curious minds. As I enter my thirties comfortably, I want to continue embracing the changes and challenges of life whilst being true to what I want and listening to that voice inside of me. The true beauty of self-discovery isn’t having a neat definition of who I am, it isn’t about my qualifications, my romantic relationships, or what I do for a living. It’s about finding moments of joy and paths to happiness in every moment I can.

So, who am I? I’m curious, I’m creative and I’m finally getting back to myself.

That might not be the same way I identify in a month, and I’m finally getting comfortable with the notion that I may never truly have the answer to this question; I’m comfortable with knowing this age-old question may never truly be answered. But most of all, I’m excited about the journey of exploration and evolution and experiences that pave the way to being my authentic self.

How has your understanding of yourself changed as you’ve aged? Let me know in the comments!

If you want some support in exploring your sense of identity, you may be interested in some of the workbooks I have available. You can find them on Ko-Fi or on Etsy.