In a world that often feels fragmented and disconnected, the longing for a sense of belonging remains a fundamental aspect of human existence. Neighbourhoods, workplaces, or social circles… the yearning to be part of a community is deeply ingrained within us. The essence of belonging goes beyond mere proximity; it encompasses a feeling of connection, acceptance, and mutual support.

I’ve been trying to forge a sense of community for as long as I can remember. I’ve spent most of my life trying to secure my place in different groups just to fulfil my desire for human connection and a sense of connectedness, and it hasn’t always gone to plan for me. I’ve adopted every facet and feature of a subculture to ensure I belong to it, I’ve gone full throttle into ingratiating myself into groups based on check lists and I’ve spent a long time adapting how I present myself to try and fit in. None of it has really been successful; sure, I’ve made friends in the past and I have connections with other people, but it has always felt somewhat false. It’s always felt like I’ve been playing a role rather than being true to myself.

I don’t think I help myself as I’m often insistent on going off on my own. I live away from home (technically, in a different country) and have no family around me most of the time. I moved to a country where I had no friends established there and all I had was work. As much as I appreciate work can shape our identity and sense of belonging, I don’t believe in making it a key defining characteristic of my life, and found it difficult, initially, to take the steps necessary to connect with people around me.

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What does a community look like?

Communities come in various shapes and sizes, ranging from the tight-knit bonds of a family to the camaraderie found in online forums. What they all share is the ability to provide a sanctuary where individuals can express themselves without fear of judgment. A place to find solace, understanding, and the encouragement to thrive.

It seems antithetical, then, that I would try to become part of a community by not being my authentic self. This is something I’m getting better at and have started to embrace as I grow and develop and firmly plant myself in adulthood. I want my connections to be authentic and I’ve started to value the quality of this authenticity over amassing large quantities of shallow connections with people.

I don’t think that we can truly belong anywhere until we are firmly comfortable in our own skin, until we have accepted ourselves and started to understand who we are. We don’t have to have all of the answers and a final draft completed, but I think we need to understand what our priorities and goals are in order to find the best communities for us. I believe that we can only truly be free from the shackles and confines of our fears when we truly engage with our own truths. We need to advocate for ourselves in order to truly advocate for and support others. You need to provide sanctuary for yourself before you can accept it from others.

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Participating in communities

Creating a sense of belonging isn’t just about being present – it’s about actively participating and contributing to the collective well-being. It’s about lending a helping hand to a neighbour in need, offering a listening ear to a friend in distress, or celebrating the successes of those around us. These acts of kindness and generosity form the building blocks of a thriving community, reinforcing the idea that we’re all in this together.

I’ve been guilty of allowing my own jealousy and insecurities to stop me from celebrating successes; I’ve been guilty of not helping someone because I didn’t receive that kind of help myself; I’ve been guilty of not wanting to listen to a friend’s problem. I don’t think these faults came from a place of hatred or wanting to be cruel, but rather from a place of not having my own needs met. It was this realisation that led me to believe that I must meet my own needs to truly belong to a community, as I cannot participate and contribute fully to that community without having my own fulfilment. I cannot be happy for a friend if I am unhappy with my own achievements and comparing my path to theirs; I cannot help someone until I recognise I am in a position to do so and it won’t actually negatively affect my life; I cannot listen to and support someone experiencing problems if I also have similar problems I haven’t addressed within myself.

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Communities in the Digital Age

In the digital age, where face-to-face interactions can sometimes be overshadowed by screens and notifications, cultivating a sense of belonging may seem daunting. Whilst technology has allowed me to foster connections and spark them, I think it can overall do more damage than good.

I have talked previously about engaging with mindless swiping on dating apps; in my younger years I spent a lot of time making friends across the world on message boards; I have been consumed with a desire for online approval and am actively fighting against this. The most important thing for me in fostering connection has been getting up, leaving the house and attending events. Many of my connections have started off as surface-level – they have to, of course, start somewhere – but some have lead to beautiful experiences. None of my close friends have been people I have found online, but I have used online formats as a tool for adding depth to these relationships.

I have tried apps, I have tried forums, I have tried modern equivalents to personals. None of them have had the same level of success as just getting out into the world, embracing it and finding my true self. No online connection in my 20s, through my copious amount of time spent on the internet, has truly compared to the connections I’ve been making in my 30s as go back to activities I truly enjoy.

I have become comfortable with being myself; more importantly, I’ve become comfortable being by myself. I have accepted that I don’t need to check every box to belong to a subculture, that I don’t need to ascribe to every little niche interest of a group to contribute or belong. I just need to go out there, by myself and have fun.

In my 20s – even in my teens – I could never have imagined someone approaching me to make conversation and befriend me simply because I “look so happy”. Find something you enjoy and allow yourself to fully enjoy it and a community will find you! For me, this has been dancing and fully letting go. It has been crawling around the ground to photograph insects, flowers and fungi. It has been talking to people on the bus; it has been letting people know I spotted a jay in the trees when out walking. Not every one of these connections truly does lead to something deep, but every single one of these interactions feels meaningful, authentic and interesting.  

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How do I build a community?

If you’re struggling with loneliness or lacking a sense of belonging, I’d suggest trying the following:

• Get comfortable in your own skin and in being yourself. This will allow you to be comfortable in meeting new people with low expectations and allow you to both embrace and serve a community with true purpose.
• Find your hobbies and interests and fully engage with them. I talk to people about birds, insects, music and fungi just from engaging with these hobbies on my own. Sometimes, it has lead to beautiful and fulfilling friendships. Other times, it has just reminded me that, truly, I am not alone in the world. All of it is beautiful.
• Stop living behind a screen and expecting to making meaningful connections solely online. It can happen, of course, but I’ve found true happiness in getting out into the world and using an online presence as a supplement and tool for development rather than my primary source of human connection. Both have incredible elements
• Embrace rejection! It’s not always the worst thing in the world and doesn’t reflect badly on you; it just simply means you were not compatible with that person. It doesn’t always have to mean they – or you – are a villain, it just simply wasn’t right for whatever reason.

Ultimately, a sense of belonging isn’t something that can be bought or acquired. It’s something that’s nurtured and cultivated over time through genuine connections and shared experiences. It’s about creating spaces where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued for who they are.

What would your top tips be for building a sense of community? How have you created a community for yourself?