I’ve spent a lot of my life being miserable. I’ve never really known why. I don’t think my life is particularly difficult. I have my share of traumas and horrible experiences, but I don’t think it really defines me or my life. I didn’t grow up in brutally tragic circumstances; I’ve never known abject poverty or experienced true hardship. Yet, I’ve always felt like something has been lacking in my life.
During my teacher training, I was introduced to Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’. Whilst it didn’t immediately click into place for me, I have since found it an interesting way of reflecting upon what makes someone happy and understanding my own needs as I endeavour to feel happy and fulfilled.
According to Maslow, we have survival needs (the lower tiers of the pyramid) and ‘higher needs’, placed at the top of the pyramid. Whilst my physiological needs have always been met through the care of my family, I have struggled with the different rungs of the pyramid in one form or another. Essentially, I have always felt that something has been missing.
For the longest time, my need to be loved and feel like I belong hasn’t quite been fulfilled; I have lacked connection with other people and have always felt like an alien. Perhaps it’s the Aquarian sun placement. Over the past while, I have built a network of misfits and have felt like I belong in some ways; I feel that I have connected with other people and I am lucky to be close with my family.
I’ve improved my sense of self-esteem in many ways recently, namely in being more confident in my own skin and happy in the flesh I inhabit. However, I’ve been reconciling this with wanting to be valued for more than being a body. Perhaps this is why it still feels like there is something lacking in my life – a topic that I may explore in more depth at a later stage.
Sometimes I feel that I have bypassed fulfilling this need and skipped straight to the top of the pyramid, hoping to find happiness in creative pursuits and finding my purpose in the world. I’m not quite there yet, but I find myself understanding what I need to feel happier and fulfilled since using Maslow’s hierarchy as a framework for reflection and understanding myself.
I do find myself being much happier now than I have been in a long time. Perhaps happier than I ever have been. I put a lot of this down to the fact that I am no longer working in a workplace in which I struggled to belong, in a profession that I struggled to reconcile with my moral compass. I have had many burdens of stress removed from me; my life feels my own again and I feel that this has allowed my positivity to blossom as I look forward to the opportunities I may be able to create for myself. Perhaps it is enough to look at possibilities and to have hope.
I can’t quite pinpoint where my change in perspective came from, what event created the change in my life. Perhaps it was making friends I truly fit in with; perhaps it was rediscovering the joy of music; perhaps it was when I finally realised just how unhappy I was and recognising that I didn’t want to live that way any longer.
Maslow believed that there are behaviours that could lead to self-actualisation, some of which I have tried to embed in my life as I endeavour to become happier overall. Perhaps my favourite one has been to try and experience life like a child – especially with creative expression. I’ve also spent a lot of time seeing life through my own experiences rather than what I’ve been told. I’ve also been working on being more direct and honest, avoiding ‘saving face’ and playing games when instead I can ask a direct question or clearly express my emotions. I think these have made me much happier in my life.
I think the biggest change I’ve made to seek a happier life is to actually actively want to experience happiness. Whilst I’ve still had difficult experiences – break-ups, rejections, job loss, financial stress and general uncertainty – I’ve changed the way I look at these events since entering my thirties. In my twenties, all of these events would have been catastrophes. Now, they are opportunities to flex my creative muscles and find new paths in life. When one door closes and all that jazz.
Ultimately, what has made me happier is embracing life and understanding that I might not have a greater purpose. Perhaps I’m meant to just be mediocre! Most of us probably are. And I’m starting to be okay with that. I will continue to appreciate visits from bats and hedgehogs, catching spiderwebs glittering in the afternoon sunshine and making someone smile with an unexpected compliment.
I always feel like my life hasn’t really turned out the way I thought it would. This used to be a real source of pain – it still is – but I have learnt to respond differently to this pain. It is a part of me, not everything about me. Difficult moments don’t need to mean complete misery.
It’s not a profound realisation, but I think it’s one worth being reminded of. I’d be really interested to hear how others understand happiness and how they choose to pursue it.
Using the experience I’ve outlined in this blog post, I developed a wellness workbook that is centred on exploring New Beginnings that are linked to your needs. It’s based in the principles of CBT, critical thinking pedagogy, and draws from my own experiences of starting anew. It’s available via Ko-Fi and Etsy for digital download.
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/happiness/the-science-of-happiness
The Opaque Elephant 
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